The Style Invitational Week 854: What's not to liken
Saturday, January 30, 2010; C02
Men are like blenders: You need one, but
you're not quite sure why.
Men are like mascara: They tend to run
at the first sign of emotion.
As most everything quotable does
anymore, a lot of zingy similes like the ones above have been zinging
anonymously around the Internet; those were zung over to us by Inveterate
E-Mail Forwarder Peter Metrinko, who suggests that the Loser community should
be able to produce even, you know, zingier ones.
This week: Produce one or
more similes in any of the following categories: men; women; teenagers; dogs;
cats; Facebook; coffee; "I."
Winner gets the Inker, the
official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the classic Japanese
easy-reader book "The Gas We Pass: The Story of Farts," which aims to
educate children that it's okay, in fact desirable, to cut them regularly.
Donated by Cheryl Davis.
Other runners-up win their
choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug .
Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser
Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener"
(Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries
by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday,
Feb. 8. Put "Week 854" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it
risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number
with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All
entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for
taste or content. Results will be published Feb. 27. No purchase required for
entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not
eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised
title for next week's results is by Larry Yungk; this week's honorable-mentions
subhead is by Pete Morelewicz; the headline on this week's Web supplement,
"Death Poetry Jam," is by Tom Witte.
Report From Week 850, in which, as we do each January, we sought poems
humorously commemorating those who'd died the previous year. This year we also
brought back the option of writing a humorous headline instead. As usual, we
received lots of fabulous poems -- we'd certainly expected no less after a year
that seemed to have more than its share of Page 1 obituaries. But we didn't get
a single really good one about Michael Jackson.
The winner of the Inker
Higgledy piggledy,
Pentti Airikkala,
Road rally driver from
Finland, has passed.
Cancer defeated his
Autoimmunity,
Proving untrue that nice
Finnish guys last.
(Brendan Beary, Great Mills,
Md.)
2. the winner of the cute
critter made out of a hoof:
Millvina Dean, the youngest
survivor on the Titanic, and last year its oldest:
"The women and children
go first," the word passed;
Now Millvina Dean -- who went
first -- has gone last. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville)
3. A millionaire, a kindly
soul, a mensch with civic pride,
And to many worthy charities
a donor,
Abe Pollin now has richly
been rewarded: Since he died,
He no longer has to be the
Wizards' owner. (Brendan Beary)
4. Because the
AmEx card's their fave,
They're here today
to tout it.
The diggers of
Karl Malden's grave
Just won't heave
loam without it. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)
Nearly beloved: Honorable mentions
What a coincidence: singing
our threnodies
Two weeks apart for a pair of
Ted Kennedys.
One was the senator, lefty
fomenter;
One, the old Maple Leafs' Hall
of Fame center.
Here, then, a question that's
ripe for debating:
Which Ted got farther in life
through his skating? (Brendan Beary)
Porn star Marilyn
Chambers
Marilyn Chambers
arrives at the gates,
Where she's met by
the leery Saint Peter.
"I plan to be
meeting my maker," she states,
"But I'll
settle for making my meeter." (Chris Doyle)
CBS's Don Hewitt
What Andy Warhol said of
fame,
Some think his words were
true. It
Seems most folks get one
brief flash,
But not so Mr. Hewitt,
Although you get a quarter-hour,
Don's share wasn't fixed. He
Took his 15 minutes' worth
And made it last for 60.
(Dave Zarrow, Reston)
Pitchman Billy Mays
O'er the grave of Billy Mays
Upon the granite shrine,
The year of death has been
reduced
To 1999. (Rob Cohen, Potomac)
But That's Not All! Oh Wait,
Yes It Is. (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.)
Al Bernardin, creator of
McDonald's Quarter Pounder
I don't doubt your good
intentions;
Man's made many bad
inventions.
The worst decline, the best
increase:
I only pray you rest in
grease. (Bob Reichenbach, Middletown, Del.)
Jeanne-Claude,
wife and art partner of Christo
The Mass ran long
for dear Jeanne-Claude
Since speakers
found so much to laud.
Some mourners
nodded, others napped,
But Christo sat
there, simply rapt. (Chris Doyle)
Mary Travers to Form New Trio
With Peter, Paul (Larry Yungk, Arlington)
Ed McMahon
For thirty years as Carson's
mate,
He got "Tonight"
crowds ready.
How fitting that at Heaven's
gate,
St. John cried out,
"Heeeeere's Eddie!" (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)
Pitcher Mark
"the Bird" Fidrych
Mark Fidrych lies
beneath the ground
And rests in
peace, at last interred.
A creature stirs
and crawls around:
The early worm
that gets the Bird. (Chris Doyle)
Robert McNamara: Body Count
Up by 1 (Russell Beland, Fairfax)
Ben Ali
The angels above are so glad
to extol
All the virtues of Heavenly
Ben's Chili Bowl.
The Devil below says it just
isn't fair
Because Heaven's a hotter
place now that Ben's there. (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney)
Although we knew full well
the end was near,
We still must bow our heads
for Zorn's career. (Craig Dykstra)
Next week: Going to the shrink, or Coming Subtractions
Death Poetry Jam: More Obit Poems From Style
Invitational Week 850
More honorable mentions for poems and fanciful
headlines commemorating those who died in 2009:
Pitchman Billy Mays is dead.
"Wait, there's
more!" is what he said.
Since he's now a sad
statistic,
That, it seems, was
optimistic. (Beverley Sharp, Washington)
Irving R. Levine Pronounced
Dead Correctly (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
Jeanne-Claude's mourners all
were wowed:
The tomb, not she, was in the
shroud. (Kevin Dopart)
Ricardo Montalban:
Montalban's rest in the
Elysian fields
Is scented not only with
heather
But also a permanent new-car
smell
With a waft of Corinthian
leather. (Peter Metrinko, Gainesville, Va.)
100% of Respondents Agree
That Alec Gallup Is Dead (Mike Gips, Bethesda; Larry Yungk, Arlington)
Soap box model turned porn
star Marilyn Chambers
Miss Marilyn's spent lots of
time behind that big Green Door.
She did it with both guys and
gals, on swings and on the floor.
She flaunted sexy body parts
-- in front, behind, below,
And then she washed the dirty
sheets in suds of Ivory Snow. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City, Md.)
Marilyn Chambers and Marilyn
French,
Feminist writer and seminal
wench.
Each in her own way had as
vocation
An angle from which to view
male domination.
Position is moot now: They've
ceased animation. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church, Va.)
Ted Kennedy Finally Crosses the
Bridge (Kevin Dopart)
He interviewed stars for
Parade Magazine,
And his columns were gossip
and fluff.
James Brady's in some
mausoleum, I'd bet:
No grave could prove shallow
enough. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)
Larry Gelbart: D*E*A*D
(Russell Beland, Fairfax, Va.)
John Houghtaling, inventor of
the Magic Fingers bed vibrator
Magic Fingers accomplished
his goal
To gain wealth of the
loftiest order.
Let us hope in the fight for
his soul
That the Devil was given no
quarter. (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.)
The loss of cats is always
sad,
We must be strong, not wussy.
And so we mourn the loss of
Socks,
Bill Clinton's favorite pet.
(Christopher Lamora, Arlington)
Berta Rosenberg, world's
oldest Jew,
At 112, her days were
through.
Her only regret was she'd
told the waiter,
"I'll eat half now, save
the rest for later." (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station, Va.)
It seems that David
Carradine, the hero of "Kung Fu,"
Possessed a darker character
than viewers ever knew;
How sad that in 2009 we put
him on the shelf
When David sadly Thai-died --
or, some say, he whacked himself. (Bob Dalton, Arlington)
We'll miss you, David
Carradine, although you brought some shame
To what had been a
well-respected acting family name.
The way you snatched that
pebble was essential to your show,
But how you got your rocks
off, sir, we didn't need to know. (Brendan Beary)
Wayne Allwine, Mickey Mouse's
voice, and Roy E. Disney, Walt's nephew
Now it's time to say goodbye
to all of their success:
R-I-G (Gee, you look pale!)
O-R-M (Mmmm, no pulse
either!)
O-R-T-I-S.
(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn,
Va.)
Jack Wrangler died from
emphysema, news reports all stated.
The rumors of his being hung
were clearly unrelated. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.)
Complex and Insouciant,
Gourmet Magazine Suffers an Unpalatable Finish (Jeff Contompasis)